The Star Spangled Girl
Neil Simon
Sophie
Excuse me. Mr. Cornell, I have tried to be neighbourly, I have tried to be friendly and I have tried to be cordial …
Ah don’t know what it is that you are trying to be … The first night I was appreciative that you carried my trunk up the stairs …
The fact that it slipped and fell five flights and smashed into pieces was not your fault …
I didn’t even mind that personal message you painted on the stairs. I thought it was crazy, but sort of sweet
… However, things have now gone too far …
I cannot accept gifts from a man I hardly know … Especially canned goods
… And I read your little note. I can guess the gist of it even though I don’t speak Italian. This has to stop, Mr. Cornell …
I can do very well without you leaving little chocolate almond Hershey bars in my mail box … They melted yesterday, and now I got three gooey letters from home with nuts in them …
And I can do without you sneaking into my room after I go to work and painting my balcony without telling me about it. I stepped out there yesterday and my slippers are stilled glued to the floor …
And I can do without you tying big bottles of
eau de Cologne to my cat’s tail. The poor thing kept swishing it yesterday and nearly beat herself to death…
And most of all, I can certainly do without you watching me get on the bus everyday through that high-powered telescope. You got me so nervous the other day I got on the wrong bus. In short,
Mr. Cornell, and I don’t want to have to say this again, leave me
alone!